What's on Tap in Man Land

They're hard. But are they hard enough?

                                  


The debate among guys over what constitutes a "chick" drink has raged for eons. Everyone has an opinion on the matter. Even women. Some have a rather rigid set of standards that define what makes a drink "manly," while others are more forgiving, allowing for a more broad set of criteria.
I've heard just about every argument, and as a one-time bartender have been a spectator to many a dispute on the matter. Some guys don't consider beer manly enough (they're just plain wrong), though most others agree beers are just fine -- as long as you don't "fruit" them. 
Whiskey is most commonly accepted as a tough guy's spirit. Vodka ranks up there too, as long as it isn't mixed with a fruit juice (or flavored with one). The guy who likes tequila won't typically get any gruff -- or take it. You start drowning tequila in mixers, on the other hand, and people tend to look at you sideways.
Rum is disgusting. Unless it is snuck into something frozen or blended, though a lot of guys do like spiced rums (Dr. Pepper and Captain Morgan were made for each other). And the only people who actually like gin spend their Saturday nights playing backgammon or bridge with their old college buddies.
Then there's scotch. Scotch is a man's man's drink. It always has been (and always will be). Period. It's the preferred spirit of myriad guys: Construction workers and high-powered CEOs alike, regardless of age. But you will never see a "man" mix a scotch with anything (with the exception of a few ice cubes).

So What's The Answer?

Whatever your opinion on the matter, the distinction is simple. The second you introduce a sweetener to a drink it loses it's status as a man's drink (this includes , but is not limited to, juices, fruits, sour mixes, and sodas).
In many cases, a spirit mixed with a soda falls into a category that is neither "girly" nor "manly," essentially somewhere in between the two. Examples include Jack and Cokes, vodka and sodas, gin and tonics, or Crown and ginger ales. The exception (again, for me) is a spirit (usually a whiskey or a scotch) with a splash of water. Yes, the operative word here is "splash." It does not sweeten the drink. That's the key.
Triple secs are another no-no. Yes, Grand Marnier is delicious, but it is totally a chick-drink component. Same goes for Cointreau. I drink it in many things, but I am not manly when I do so. Whiskey sour? Nope. Sour mix is not served on planet Man. Margarita? Again, not a chance (and don't even bother asking, because neither are Daiquiris, Pina Coladas, or Bloody Marys).   
So, what about a Long Island, you ask? That's okay. But just barely. Another strict rule governing the virility of a drink is that as long as it contains at least four liquors it is automatically exempt from "girly" status -- provided none of the liquors are fruit-flavored, such as Cointreau, Malibu, Blue Curacao (pronounced: Cure-Uh-Sow) or any "Pucker."
Light beers are not manly. In fact, the only real "tough-guy" brews are stouts (Guinness), porters, bocks, or dark lagers (Sam Adams is a perfect man's beer  -- and it's American!). Wheat beers are not manly. In most cases, they contain fruit (orange or lemon peels, or even honey). Summer and Spring brews are often the same. Winter brews can tend to lift more weight, but be wary of their additives. And pilsners -- no way. Amstel Light (an obviously "light" lager, brewed in Amsterdam) does not pass the test, nor does Heineken (a Danish pilsner) or Corona.
So, the next time you're in a social situation (or even alone) and you're not quite sure about the manliness of the drink in your hand, chances are it's not manly. Like I mentioned, there is a vast landscape between the chick drink and man drink designations (where most liquor and soda drinks reside). But unless your about to douse your taste buds with a warm glass of Glenlivet, a Crown on the rocks, or a frosty pint of Bass Ale, you are probably going to commit a serious crime in man land. Cheers!

*This post was originally published on another blog of mine, No Longer Prologue, on May 27, 2010. All rights reserved by Sean Michael Flynn.